Silent Rain
Have you ever cried in vain?
Your tears fell like a silent rain
The cold embrace of loneliness
Grasping like an angry fist
Wandering from here to there
Not belonging anywhere
Eyes that spawned a million tears
That sees a world which never cares
A face that never gave a smile
Because it never felt worthwhile
The cuts were deep
You felt the pain
Drops of blood
Like silent rain
Tried so hard to comprehend
Why your scares would never mend
A wasted life drifts down the drain
Still... no one hears the silent rain
Grave Thoughts
Crumbled concrete crosses
Crushed upon the clay
Names engraved on stone and steel
Destined there to stay
A gathering was formed
Around each and every grave
Many mourning for their loved ones
Tortured looks of pain
Countless tears from reddened eyes
Have touched this very earth
Where later feet would tread that ground
Digging up the turf
I looked around as wild weeds grow
On flowerless plots where no one goes
Dates of birth on every stone
Once celebrated years ago
Now cracked, forgotten and left alone
These resting places time has worn
And what is not the vandals scorn
It saddened me to see this place
Abandoned ruins left to waste
Yet reading many stones I saw
The life of those who lived before
Now laid to rest and breathe no more
As I begin to leave I find a frightening question come to mind
In this place of many graves
How many souls were lost or saved?
If I Was
If I was a bird
I’d fly so high
No one could hurt me
Way up in the sky
If I was a breeze
I’d make the trees dance
And whistle a tune
Through every branch
If I was a flower
I’d welcome the bees
And grow in the places
That nobody sees
If I was a valley
That you roamed all about
I’d echo your name
Every time you did shout
If I was a raindrop
And I saw you cry
I’d land on your check
Chase the tear from your eye
If I was a rainbow
And you didn’t care
I’d pack up my colours
And just disappear
The Fallen
The dream didn’t last
As it shattered like glass
In a thousand pieces or more
Just brushed aside
By the dreamer who cried
And couldn’t remember what for
A painful old pile of memories sat
In the corner of life where no hope is at
And everything's there that ever was lost
Or just cast aside, or casually tossed
This is the place we know so well
And hide all the stuff
We care not to tell
Haunted by some photograph
Of happy days gone by
And times when one once smiled and laughed
Yet now can only cry
Where eyes have lost the needful want
Of pleasures once allowed
Like cared for things that torture us
Within our darkest hour
Judgment Day
To view mankind and taste it’s lies
To see it with unblinded eyes
A tortured world
On a lustful ride
On a ship called self
On a sea called pride
Prophets, Priests of every creed
The most elite
The Beast deceived
A twist of scripture
Hidden sins
“To be a god”
The Devil grins
Temples, Towers, Bishops, Popes
Around men's necks they put their ropes
Many vain a mortal said –
“The Only Path to God I lead”
Some kept Christ upon the cross
Still in darkness
Ever lost
The world religions prayed to God
While on the souls of men they trod
They all believed they were the way
Until their trial
On Judgment Day!
Of Moments Passed
She looks beyond her present state
No future does she see
With wrinkled hand she hesitates
To sip her cup of tea
Her eyes but look with pleasures lost
That shone in younger years
A handkerchief with name embossed
To hide the forming tears
Her living room without a sound
Still so dimly lit
With family photos all around
Silently she sits
She trembles as she moves to speak
But words have long since gone
Manages to sigh then weep
And wonders what went wrong
I hold her frail and withered hand
She gazes in my eyes
I cannot find the words to say
As I watch her slowly die
Beauty of Creation
I will always marvel at the beauty of creation
The way the wind moves through the trees in every generation
Mountains of blue jelly reaching to the sky
Snow decorates their peaks like cream
Makes one want to fly
I stop to watch the sunshine sparkle on the river
Like a stream of diamonds
With riches to deliver
The rainbow’s arc is hope for me my winter tears will clear
And promise me a summer’s shine a warmer day is near
Going Insane
They gave me pills and far away thrills
And made me forget who I am
They dressed me in white and told me what’s right
I told them “I don’t give a damn”
I see Mum I see Dad, I see me as a lad
I see hands that approach in the dark
I hear voices that scare me
And touches that tear me
In my arm goes something that’s sharp
In a room with no view
So I rock and I spew
And shiver with unknown pain
Now everything's spinning
I’m crying, then singing
And slowly I’m going insane
Him and Her
HIM
My love, my love what have I done?
You always said I was the one
So much we shared, two hearts so pure
Like vintage wine we did mature
We walked the path simplicity
Your love I craved necessity
Oh my love what have I done?
You always said I was the one
HER
Fret not for me oh naive man
Those things were true when we began
I am a different creature now
I know not why
I know not how
Fret not for me oh naive man
HIM
Oh my love I feel so cold
Without your love as I grow old
I wear your ring still like a glove
As a ghostly shadow of our love
Now…take my tears and wash your feet
That crushed this heart that strains to beat
My love…my love, I see you leave
Yet still I struggle to believe
No last kiss…there will be none
But …you…always said I was…the one
Memories of You
When we were together
You promised me so
That we’d be forever
And you’d never go
When you kissed my lips
My heart skipped a beat
Never thought love
Could make me so weak
Promises made
Devoid of all thought
All of those lies
I desperately bought
Places we strolled
And memories there
Like ghosts that go haunting
I just cannot bear
There is that tree
Where I carved your name
Where the happiest place
Now causes pain
“I love you” you said
Got used to those words
Now echoes that ricochet
Still in my head
Meaningless are my tears to you now
If only they mattered
If only
Somehow
Through A Child's Eyes
When I was lost in younger years
Without the taint of modern tears
Barefoot and fancy free you see
That's the way it was with me
Daddy was a hero then
He was the strongest of all men
Whenever pain or heartache loomed
Mummies kiss could heal all wounds
Taken from them
Placed afar
The longest ride
The meanest car
In a place so far from home
Where father’s legend was unknown
And mothers kiss was not the same
This time it took away no pain
Things unspoken
Hurt so much
Feel so broken
Tainted touch
If I for but a moment dared
To welcome back one single year
Of shattered dreams, a broken heart
My family torn so far apart
Father dies
Mother cries
My heart turns cold
I see no hope... through a child's eyes
Family Lost
"This is my home"
She says without a smile
I listen
Quietly tearful all the while
"All those I loved once filled that living room
where much living now has turned to lifeless gloom"
"And at that table family all would eat
oh the smell of minted peas and roasted meat"
"Children playing, laughter everywhere,
conversation filled the homely air"
Their absence now is more than she can bare
Her husband John has long since gone
she never loved again
I even thought she would submit
but soldiered on in pain
"They all found other places now to go,...apart from you"
She said
Then cried and bowed her trembling head
For once I had no clever words to say
As I watched my mother's broken heart give way
I held her in my arms and kissed her head
I wept with her
Then nothing more was said
Denial
In the coldest winter nights, I see you here
And only you will know that I am weak
I tell you how it’s good that you are near
I wonder why it is you fail to speak
People say I have to let you go
And speak as if you do no longer breathe
I will ignore their madness even so
Yet wonder why it is I seem to grieve
You forgot again to meet me at the park
I sat for ages waiting for you there
I left because it got too cold and dark
Do not mistake this rain drop for a tear
There’s your book and coffee cup
With your memories infused
Placed within a cardboard box
As if they are not used
Suddenly I gasp for air
My body’s strength deserts me now
I start to sweat and shake with fear
I know… you… are... no longer... here
I Cry
I miss the recognition of me in your eyes
Now you wonder who this stranger is
Sitting by your side
And I cry
So cruel is time
To steal your mind
Of moments...friends...and memories
And family left behind
And still I cry
What I would give to see you smile
Or hear your voice...or chat a while
So there you sit...with eyes so wide
And still I hope in vain
Like an object that has been removed
Though its shadow still remains
Twilight of Shadows
In the twilight of shadows
Where storm clouds abound
In the dusk of my mind
Where no hope is found
A rain swept cemetery
Deep in my soul
A breeze of insanity
Whistled and rolled
In the furthest corner
Of darkest despair
I come face to face
With all that I fear
Tombstones like strangers
Brokenly stare
Engraved with those memories
I scarcely can bear
Hills shaped like monsters, I shudder to look
From behind they hide creatures
My childhood they took
Branches of trees twisted in pain
They creak and they moan
And they scream out my name
Shivers like spiders
They crawl down my spine
I shake just a little
I’m lost in my mind
Bitter
Sitting in this room
Alone in the dark
Music quietly playing
Colder is my heart
Bitter at the world outside
I'm Angry at myself
Isolations my best friend
Better than my health
Don't want anybody near
Uneducated fools
Leave me in my bitterness
To dwell in my despair
Stand Firm
Time is like sand that slips through our hand
We waste it so long and it’s suddenly gone
Oh, how it’s suddenly gone
Lose not yourself to material wealth
Forget not the ones in need
For many would live as Kings in a Palace
And suffer the children to feed
Live not in a daze
For the world is a maze
To capture your every glance
To bind you to things
Of which the world brings
But never to give you a chance
Let not your heart grow cold
Cling to the hope that you hold
When a dream that stood tall
Then suddenly falls
Is the emptiest sight of all
Me and Angie
Me and Angie we were close
As close as friends should be
We had one thing on common
We were always meant to be
Me and Angie in the school yard
That’s where we first met
I was ten and she was eight
Not quite adults yet
Me and Angie climbing trees
Living life so recklessly
Sharing secrets like friends do
Life got harder as we grew
Me and Angie always said
We’d be best friends for good
I guess all things must sometimes end
But some things never should
Me and Angie had to split
She’s moving up in life
It seems she met a new best friend
She’s someone else’s wife
Me and Angie are no more
It’s been so many years
Would she still remember me?
Hmm, I wouldn’t think she cares
Wide-Eyed Little Boy
Wide-eyed little boy
Playing with your toy
You wonder what went wrong
Where has Daddy gone
What did you do wrong
To make Mummy cry so long
Wide-eyed little boy
Still playing with that toy
A gift from Daddy long ago
Those memories just flow
How you sat on Mummy’s knee
Watching Daddy eat his tea
Wide-eyed little boy
You hold on to that toy
Hope within your heart still burns
Of the day when Dad returns
So many things to show him
So many things to say
All the pictures you did draw him
Will be given on that day
Gone will be all heart ache
Gone will be all pain
When you look at Mummy
And see her smile again
The Joker
Alas I was the Joker
Amongst a house of cards
Taken from a royal pack
And given no regard
Am I but a jester?
The question’s probably mute
For unlike all the other cards
I never wore a suit
How I tried to serve
The mighty King of Hearts
And belong among his kingdom
Of so many parts
It seems there is no place
For such a lowly card to stand
Unless I was a wild one
I couldn’t lend a hand
Now see the Queen of Diamonds
Too rich to ever care
For such a lonely Joker
With but a simple prayer
The Jack tried to befriend me
Or so he did pretend
Till he struck me with his club
And proved himself a fiend
So I did resist him
That Jack of every trade
And went nowhere near him
Be it Diamond, Club, Heart, Spade
Just a little shuffle is all I want to feel
To be part of a game or even just a deal
So if you ever see this lonely card
Upon the table
Don’t hesitate to give a smile
If you think you’re able
My Friend
The distance is great between us
My Friend
Though years cannot change my heart
And memories bring us together
While differences keep us apart
My shoulder is yours to cry on
Whether you need it or not
Your name I defend in your absence
But I make sure it’s never forgot
If you should speak I will listen
For help, you need only but ask
Being your friend is an honour
Not to be left in the past
Impressions
I beheld a place where I’d never been
And surrounding me sights I’d never seen
Yet a strange but familiar feeling was there
But I couldn’t quite place it
It didn’t seem clear
The evening sky
The setting sun
The swishing sounds where a river did run
Content as I was
I didn’t feel right
This mystery bothered me all through the night
When I awoke I instantly knew
The familiar feeling was the absence of you
For you loved going places you’d never been
Observing new things that you’d never seen
You would watch the sun set in the evening sky
And smile as the flowing river went by
Love Me Not
Love me not, for I will not love you back
Nor heap on me and then expect
Such social niceties for which I lack
I have no need of friendship now
Or any other lie
That such delusions do impart
With which I must deny
What is the view from your pedestal?
How do you judge me so?
You hate in me what is in you too
Which you hide and yet think I don’t know
Do not touch me
For I have been touched before
By dirty filthy tainted hands
When I was a child of four
I am once again wrapped in the darkness of my sarcasm
The pain of my childhood is gone
And recent afflictions from misguided trust
Will not now torment me for long
If Only I'd Cared
In this big old empty house
I choose one room to dwell
Lest memories of stale laughter
Remind me how I fell
If only I’d cared
I’m relieved to see the rain outside
Puddles on the ground
Like tears I can longer cry
The sky somehow has found
If only I’d cared
There is a cold chill that creeps through the air
Makes me shiver
And think out of fear
That things could be different
And you’d still be here
Oh…
But if only I’d cared
If only…
I’d cared
I Loved You
Like the first of spring
When flowers bloomed
The fragrant air
The birds would sing
I Loved You
Like the summer swell
Hot with passion, bodies touched
In love with you I fell
I Loved You
Like the autumn fool unbound
Oh your love like leaves that dropped
And scattered all around
I Loved You
Like the winter
Cold and scared
Rain drops mixed with tears
Till I no longer cared
I Loved You
Quantum Poetics
There is Time, there is Space, and there is Matter
Infinities explode then they shatter
Sub-atomic particles, A Kaon so-called
Mysteriously mocking the relative all
The faster clocks travel, the idea should stick
Increasing the speed, the slower they tick
“Punctuated equlibria” and other such musings
Of Eldredge and Co with convenient choosing
Quantum dilemmas, logistic equations
Thermodynamics and paradoxations
Singularities, Probabilities, now fancy that
Chaos and Order, and Schrödinger’s Cat
Laws of a different nature they be
The second one states about entropy
A Belousov-Zhabotinsky reaction display
Like a child’s toy kaleidoscope
Some might just say
The patterns of Chaos
Eerie indeed
A stranger attractor
Through a lens we may see
Quantum Theory, a state in defiance
If you don’t find it scary
Then you don’t know your science
Out of the Shadows
I am the poetic justice of a cold and desperate world
A merciless creature of the night
I humble the proud with furious rebukes
Alas there can be no respite
Born out of the darkest regions of the soul
In the shadows unseen till I strike
I’m that shiver that creeps down your spine
The unspeakable fear of the night
Like a terrifying force of nature
I move faster than the speed of dark
A cruel messenger sent without pity
To punish the evil at heart
I have no fear, remorse or mercy
For those who would seek to infringe
I can neither be bargained or reasoned with
I have watched the most fearless men cringe
Out of the shadows… I will always find you!
The Artist
I was an artist,
The brush was my knife
The paint was my blood
The canvas my life
My paintings were endless
And the critics were too
So I painted much harder
It’s all I could do
I painted all night
Till my canvas was full
Ran out of room
But I gave it my all
I used so much paint
They threw out my brush
It made me feel faint
But it gave me a rush
They hung out my canvas
And hoped it would dry
Removed all my tools
Till the artist had died
Sometimes
Sometimes there are moments in your life
When you feel the whole world sigh
And simply turns its back on you
And slowly pass you by
Sometimes
Sometimes you think the tears you shed
Will matter all the while
But alas they land in solitude
Forgetting once you smiled
Sometimes
Sometimes it’s false bravado
Thinking all is well
Struggling through another day…
Alone
In your private little hell
Sometimes
Sometimes we don’t all make it
It’s just the way it goes
Some soar upon life’s highest highs
Some hit the lowest lows
And die
Sometimes
Masks
I’m a tainted soul by darkened hands
I’ve seen a lot of things you wouldn’t understand
I’ve been hurt by a life that’s so damn shitty
I don’t need your help; and I don’t want your pity
Over educated yet under achieved
I know a lot of things others can’t perceive
How I frown on the wisdom of idiots and fools
Don’t need their acceptance, nor play by the rules
So-called friends have come and then gone
Littered my life and then just carried on
I have struggled to run in this fake human race
And the masks of humanity worn on its face
Are you real? I challenge you all
When everyone leaves and there’s no one at all
When your friends are all gone and you’re sitting alone
No need to pretend or try to belong
Who will see who you really are?
When popular opinion no longer matters
Your life; a quotation of other thus far
When death comes a knocking the masquerade shatters
Child in a Shell
It’s dark this early in the morning breeze
A young child wanders where he shouldn’t be
Footsteps echo on the pavement street
The shuffling sounds of another’s feet
A familiar face so close to home
Beckons me in and then we’re alone
In the blink of an eye
In the grass laden frost
Threats found in whispers
Innocence lost
So much to hide in the mind of a child
Feelings of guilt are driving him wild
Father has stained the carpet in beer
Cigarette ash I smell everywhere
“Mother” I plead, but alas she can’t hear
The pill bottles empty, she hauntingly stares
“What a gifted young boy”
“A pity” they say
I learned how to hate on that very day
Taken away in such clinical style
Strained to remember my mother’s sweet smile
Dragged by my hair and slapped in the face
Seething inside with contemptuous rage
I prayed for mother or father to come
To bring me back home
To reclaim their son
I grew up in violence, sin and rejection
It taught me to fight and despise all affection
Like tainted illusions of trust, hope and love
Spoken by others and worn like a glove
In the mind of a man, in the dark hides a child
In a place that is cold, and really quite vile
The ground is like quicksand that’s holding him fast
Flashes like lightening reflecting his past
No one came to save him then, no ones coming still
Finding ways to keep on going
If even but by pill
The monster’s dark embrace is strong
There is no escape as such
And though the creature may be gone
I feel the monsters touch
He Remembers
He remembers every word once spoken
Every dream and promise broken
He remembers every smile and frown
A suite, a rose a wedding gown
He remembers every friend and foe
Through summers’ warmth and winters’ snow
He remembers every tainted touch
At times the pain was just too much
He remembers times when people cared
And times when there was no one there
He remembers tears that flowed so fast
When every lonely moment passed
He remembers all his children born
And the one we had to mourn
He remembers every tear he shed
Where every wrong path ever led
He remembers when he lost his mind
It was the hardest thing to find
He remembers when his heart turned cold
And a loveless, bitterness took hold
He remembers all the old illusions
Love and trust and such delusions
He remembers when the earth did shake
The lives and homes that it did take
But he forgot how to forget
And so remembers all regrets!
The Shaking
The earth just keeps on moving
Beneath my very feet
The cracks keep on appearing
And make the old house weak
I see the hidden terror in the eyes of those around
I watch them as they try to bypass all the broken ground
I see the children shudder
After every shake and jolt
That pulses through the underground
From this deadly fault
My city falls around me, and people die in pain
Cracks in concrete, open wounds, the bloody liquefaction stain
Streets of rubble, twisted bridges, broken buildings, new formed ridges
First the rumbling, then the crumbling, then the sights of structures tumbling
A city once so beautiful
That stood so proud and wonderful
Is now a ghost that haunts us all.
Hope
I know you think you can’t go on
You feel that no one cares
When you’ve poured out everything you’ve got
In a heartless world of tears
“This is it”, you tell yourself
On the verge of giving in
No ones here again this time
The irony wears thin
Look around at what you have
Possessions once adored
No longer satisfy your soul
Once happy times abhorred
“Where are they now”? you ask yourself
Those who said they cared
And said they’d never leave you lost
And never leave you scared
Don’t give up my friend, hold on
I’ve traveled down that road before
Huddled in the darkest rooms
A hundred times or more
I’ve been down on my hands and knees
My eyes have burned like acid rain
Humility envelops me now
With all my life long fears and pain
Take my hand and we will stand
Together as if one
I’ll hold you up till you can walk
And one day you will run
Last Rites
Four walls of solitude
I last out my days
As a means to an end
Unworthy of praise
When I was a child, nobody came
To save me from evil, to save me from pain
Now I am older, it’s all just the same
No one is coming, as I go insane
Lowest of low
Scum of the earth
I scream in my sleep
Bleeding self worth
Anguish, humility, morbid despair,
Condemnation and heartache
Surrounded by fear
The most ultimate rapture
Irreversible act
The very last option
To my heart’s attack
The wind will still blow without me
And the sun will still shine
Still there’ll be laughter, and still there’ll be wine
Poets will write, and there will be a new song
All these things will happen
Long after I’m gone
Secret Tears
While I was lost in yesterday's fears
I learned how to swim in the sea of my tears
And only that glimmer of a possible hope
Suppressed violations, I scarcely can cope
Grief everlasting, Present and past
And yet still I crawl, till I do breathe my last
Father, oh how I miss you now
I understand within this hour
I lost the chance to tell you things
Acts of shame upon me sting
I utter cries into the night
As if it will bring some respite
I see my mother’s humbling state
And ever keep from her that dreadful day I hate
Breaking Points
I was ever the child lost in the atmosphere of my Mother’s despair
Wandering amidst the darkness of these, like before, weary and uncertain days
Pretended sanctimonious friends would stroll in and out of my life, without care
Their hypocrisies, I now rebuke, that judge my imperfectious ways
Ah, my childhood, murdered in a heartbeat, wrapped in a nightmare, ever unable to awaken from it’s sick and perverted disturbance
I fear I have learned only now how to hate! Hate for breakfast, lunch and dinner
I hate now, every last one of them, the molester, who stole my innocence away, with a bag of sweats and a game to play
The abuser, who broke my spirit, and smashed it like a worthless piece of glass,
The fake friends, who lied, betrayed, deceived and judged me, bringing up the constant errors of my past
I return their hurt for hate
My faith has gone, like fallen leaves, scattered by a winter breeze
I move ever slowly, back towards the darkness
My cold and dark familiar friend of old
Who sheltered me from pain’s constricting hold
The Coming of Winter
Silver stars scream in the darkest of dreams
Whilst whispers the moon to the sea
Clouds creep about like strangers left out
Raining down tears upon me
Wind waving willows
Waving farewell
To leaves who have long been a friend
Stolen away by autumns’ dismay
Left naked to ponder their end
Something so chilling
Moves ever so closer
Like a ghost that is yet to be seen
All living things just scurry for shelter
From a winter that’s really quite mean
Christmas at the Mall
A crowded mall
That overflows, with all this Christmas cheer
People smiling, children playing, laughter echoes in my ears
It echoes in my ears
The food courts full, no table spare, families eat together there
I wander through, alone and lost
And no one ever cares
No one ever cares
I remember when I had someone, to be within this place
Desperately I look around for one familiar face
Just one familiar face
I hold within my hand a load, of Christmas cards to send
A pocket full of money and not a single friend
Not a single friend
I make my way to catch a bus
I’m heading home again
I’ll walk in with a smiling face
And once again pretend
Once again pretend
Poem of Pain
Walking down this broken street, in a broken city, with a broken heart
Tears flow from eyes once adored by her, wishing I could breathe my last...
Oh the phrase, to die a thousand deaths
This agonising pain inside
Thrown away like yesterdays trash
Tears too great for me to hide
Every gift she gave are ghosts, that haunt my days and sleepless nights
How am I supposed to cope? The sounds of planes and our websites
Every place within my city that we together walked in hand
I shy away or just avoid. My God I can not stand
I begged her not to let me go, am I nothing to her now?
We kissed, we loved we laughed then cried
From the sweetest moments all turned sour
My lover
My best friend
Oh my broken heart
I wish we could go back to the start
The Pawn of your Guilt
Here I am alone with my mum, hard to watch what I've become.
Lost so much in my life that's cursed,
my childhood innocence,
stolen,
what's worse?
I am the scapegoat,
the reason, excuse,
for others to be what they secretly choose.
I am not perfect, though all of my faults,
mistakes and discretions like wounds rubbed in salt.
All of my good deeds, all done without praise,
are all but forgotten, so quickly erased
Middle-Earth
From a land
Of natures heart
Forest hills
Open parks
Bathed in hot pools
Golden sand
Waterfalls
An ancient land
Pierce the clouds those mountains high,
Thunders loud, as lightning flies
It streaks and rips the velvet sky
Streams that run and kiss the stones
Echo sounds in watery tones
Places deep in no man’s land
Still untouched by mortal hands
Creatures many, do abound
In paradises still unfound
Valley greens, of different shades
Stretch the plains like patchwork jade
Native ferns, a floral clock
The grounds that shake
Refuse to stop
I know the rumble all too well
And how my once proud city fell
But still I love my far way land
The sun, the rain, a view so grand
And read my words for what it’s worth
Come hitter, visit Middle-Earth
All Poetry Copyright © Kerry Gray 2007